birthday thoughts

i never looked forward to celebrating my birthdays. i would often think that there's nothing much to celebrate. birthdays are celebrations of how many years you've existed; to me, its a countdown of how many years i have left. the few days before my birthday, i felt numb from everything. everyone was excited but me. didnt really see the point in celebrating; theres so much i have to do, so much missing in my life that i didnt think anything was worth celebrating. plus, the night before my birthday, unfortunate things happened. I almost lost someone very close to me. and i had the girl thing. on my birthday. kainis diba! but hey, i was still looking forward to spending the weekend with my family, and my friends. i most certainly didnt want to sulk that day, it wouldve pissed a lot of people off. surprisingly, i had so much fun. i was surrounded by people who have been true friends to me for a long time. people who took time and effort to make me happy, knowing whats been happening to my life lately. these were the people who were there for me every single time i needed them. these were the people who never gave up on me and truly accepted me for the crazy lunatic that i am. (well, not that crazy, not much of a lunatic too) and i felt grateful. just this morning, i took a little alone time, and had a cig while looking at the smog-infested city (i was on the 37th floor, smog exists, even in late mornings), and i realized a few important things:

1. i felt loved. (ooh emo moment!!) and i was happy.
2. as i was looking at the city, i realized that amongst all the people in the whole world, i was lucky to have friends and family who are there for me, people who make me happy. i realized that i was also lucky to be who i am, to have what i have. and instead of complaining about things, i should be grateful for everything.

the most important realization:

as i was looking at the city (makati and manila skyline), i looked at all the buildings, houses, streets, and cars that passed by.. i saw how beautiful it is. i saw how beautiful the sky was, how the sunlight reflecting on the sea made its such a wonderful thing to look at, i realized that this couldnt jsut be coincidence. the ingenuity of humanity to have created such precise machinery, architecture, how we have made everything out of scratch, how we managed to create a sturctured, albeit corrupted society.. it couldnt be just coincidence. it was too perfect (more of imperfectly perfect, or perfectly imperfect) to be just coincidence.. GOD exists. coincidence cannot create something this wonderful. there is a God, and he made this possible. he made me possible. this world exists because of Him. that thought made me smile. It was that moment of, uhm, spiritual contentment that i havent felt for years.. it also ended my "existentialist" phase. i realized that the existense of God or Allah or Shiva or even beezlebub cannot be proved or disproved by debate or anything. its something you feel in your heart. and what the heart feels, cannot be corrupted by logic. its jsut there. you feel it without reason, without cause. thats the best gift ive recieved this year.

looks like a beggining of a new phase in my life. lets see where it takes me.