a little reminder

Everyone's busy these days. The world has developed into this system where time is more than gold, and everything must be delivered-fast. Everything happens so fast, we dont realize that years pass by in a blur. We are all too busy working and making sure we've done all our errands. We are too preoccupied worrying if all the bills are paid, if the whole family's insured, or if youve already saved up enough for retirement or if you have enough money to cover for the engagement ring, the wedding, and the marriage itself (and, in later years, a marriage counselor). We are also busy meeting deadlines in school, or shopping for things that cheer us up. Most of us are too busy wishing the day or week was over so we could get the few hours of sleep we so rightfully deserve. The minutes go by unnoticed. The hours turn into days, then months. The months fly by into years. And someday, we'll see that our years went by unused. Our time went by unappreciated. It is only in the rare moments when all of a sudden, we find ourselves with nothing to do. When its as if you need someone to comfort you, but you feel that no one can realy understand you. Never have you felt so alone, in spite of everything you possess. Its that day when you grab a bottle of beer or wine and look out your window, staring at the city, at the sky, wondering what the hell went wrong. You begin to miss the things that once made you happy. The things you let slip away because you were too busy living. You then realize that you might have been working too hard that you've pushed your husband away, or that youve been tailing your boyfriend too much that youve forgotten about your friends. Maybe youve been spending too much time with your friends and fail to see that your parents miss the weekend trips your family would always take. That maybe your siblings miss the late night pig-out sessions. or maybe youve been working so hard that you have no time to even catch your breath and relax. Now ,you feel tired. You long for those things you miss. If you dwell long on this, you'll end up suffering from depression. But if you understand all this perfectly, you'll know what to do.

Surprise your husband with a romantic night out. Go to karaoke night with your friends. Cook lunch for your folks, throw a pajama party for your siblings and eat all the junk food you can get. Go to the spa and get a massage. Treat yourself to something nice. Take time to read that novel you've had at your bedside table but never really touched. Go to church. It doesnt really matter what you do, its the happiness you derive from it that matters. Its the happiness and contentment you get from the ones you love.

We only get to live each day once. Wouldnt it be nice to look back one day and say that we spent our days well?

We only get to live our lives once. Lets try to make it a good one.

birthday thoughts

i never looked forward to celebrating my birthdays. i would often think that there's nothing much to celebrate. birthdays are celebrations of how many years you've existed; to me, its a countdown of how many years i have left. the few days before my birthday, i felt numb from everything. everyone was excited but me. didnt really see the point in celebrating; theres so much i have to do, so much missing in my life that i didnt think anything was worth celebrating. plus, the night before my birthday, unfortunate things happened. I almost lost someone very close to me. and i had the girl thing. on my birthday. kainis diba! but hey, i was still looking forward to spending the weekend with my family, and my friends. i most certainly didnt want to sulk that day, it wouldve pissed a lot of people off. surprisingly, i had so much fun. i was surrounded by people who have been true friends to me for a long time. people who took time and effort to make me happy, knowing whats been happening to my life lately. these were the people who were there for me every single time i needed them. these were the people who never gave up on me and truly accepted me for the crazy lunatic that i am. (well, not that crazy, not much of a lunatic too) and i felt grateful. just this morning, i took a little alone time, and had a cig while looking at the smog-infested city (i was on the 37th floor, smog exists, even in late mornings), and i realized a few important things:

1. i felt loved. (ooh emo moment!!) and i was happy.
2. as i was looking at the city, i realized that amongst all the people in the whole world, i was lucky to have friends and family who are there for me, people who make me happy. i realized that i was also lucky to be who i am, to have what i have. and instead of complaining about things, i should be grateful for everything.

the most important realization:

as i was looking at the city (makati and manila skyline), i looked at all the buildings, houses, streets, and cars that passed by.. i saw how beautiful it is. i saw how beautiful the sky was, how the sunlight reflecting on the sea made its such a wonderful thing to look at, i realized that this couldnt jsut be coincidence. the ingenuity of humanity to have created such precise machinery, architecture, how we have made everything out of scratch, how we managed to create a sturctured, albeit corrupted society.. it couldnt be just coincidence. it was too perfect (more of imperfectly perfect, or perfectly imperfect) to be just coincidence.. GOD exists. coincidence cannot create something this wonderful. there is a God, and he made this possible. he made me possible. this world exists because of Him. that thought made me smile. It was that moment of, uhm, spiritual contentment that i havent felt for years.. it also ended my "existentialist" phase. i realized that the existense of God or Allah or Shiva or even beezlebub cannot be proved or disproved by debate or anything. its something you feel in your heart. and what the heart feels, cannot be corrupted by logic. its jsut there. you feel it without reason, without cause. thats the best gift ive recieved this year.

looks like a beggining of a new phase in my life. lets see where it takes me.

Wala talaga

Wala. i am doomed. i will die an old maid. i have a deal with my bestfriend though. if we both reach 30 and we are both still single, we'll get married. but duh! that wont happen. and even if it would, i would still like to marry someone i really love, i mean, someone who is a partner, a lover, a friend, and everything in between. but the way things are going, yes, i'll be single for the rest of my life. If this continues, im getting 8 dogs. or cats. or 4 dogs and 4 cats. whatever. my mcdreamy better come out soon and sweep me off my feet.

5 dogs and 3 cats kaya?

173-32

10 am, after 17 hours of debate, mocking, and a few senseless wordwars, its finally over. the impeachment complaint was dismissed. i tried to watch it as much as i could, and when i was out, i would listen to it over the radio. i've said it before and i'll say it again, watching hearings, sessions or meetings presided by government officials can be very entertaining... we heard prayers, a congressman offered 3 Balut eggs to another congressman, which eased tensions in the hall, and, the temporary moment of cooperation between congressmen when they all put out their wallets to pay for food for the people viewing the hearing..tsk tsk.. this event was supposed to be a matter of national interest, but i dont think most people cared about it.. if i didnt want to watch "honorable" men and women and make fun of them, i myself wouldnt monitor that event.

------

so pluto's no longer a planet. the International Astronomical Union, after a week of deliberation, declared that pluto is no longer a planet, and we now have a smaller solar system. so basically, my childhood days spent thinking how cute pluto is, about it being the baby of the solar system, was just a lie. and now, finally, they have also agreed to a formal definition of a planet.

------

it seems that we have so much need to clarify and fix things nowadays. from the heavenly bodies to the crappy politics of a developing country, much has been said, and yet we still eat our words and change things. hopefully things would be for the better. if something as big as pluto has now found its identity, i hope a country as small as ours can find it.

the Rizal effect

im just 21 years old, a college student, and i recently had my internship in Malacañang. Luckily, i was part of a policy group (i wont mention it to be safe..hehe), and was protected (by our boss) from corruption, the corrupt, and the Dirty Old Men. :)

during my internship, i, with my boss, tackled the lack of participation of the youth in society. To be specific, i was ratning about the lack of concern, and love for the country we have. In fact, I met some dear foreigners who seem to have more concern to the current state of the country than my own classmates, even me.

my boss asked me to produce a policy paper on any topic i wanted to, and i wanted to write something about the youth and their detachment, if that is the right word, from our nation. sadly, as much as i wanted to, that paper was never written. not just because of lack of time (i was under time pressure and my resources were limited), but because i was saddened by what i saw during my research. our government does not have much programs for youth involvement, and even if they had, it was more on aid. I checked the education departments and so far, i have seen little effort in teaching us of nationalism.

i shared my frustrations with my boss, and he happened to have thought of that issue. Sadly, the government doesnt have much funding for programs like that, and relies mostly on NGO's to help on that part. but that is not enough.

I am young still, and i know i have a lot to learn. But i find it disappointing that most people my age dont show concern for our country. it is easy to blame capitalism or whatever. We would rather be seen with our i-pod's than a history book. we would rather be out having our frappuccino's at starbucks than attend our philippines government and constitution or rizal class. it is not cool for us to like history. I remember being laughed at when i said that i was willing to defend the relevance of studying Rizal.

I always remember what my professor, Mr. Ronaldo de Jesus said to us about Rizal and his relevance. he said that until we all learn from our past. until we have realized what should be done and do something to improve our country, Rizal will always be relevant.

but how do we get the youth to learn to love our country? one, of course, would be through our educational system. two, the government must be strong-willed in promoting nationalism. third, our parents must guide us. More importantly, society itself must show us that our country is worth respect and love. our generation has become jaded. most think that people who had the sense of nationalism Rizal had dont exist anymore. most people think that our country offers us little opportunity. most are ignorant because they dont see the point in nationalism and social relevance.

this is just the view of a 21 year old. i believe that the youth, if properly educated, can turn things around, even a bit.

the question is, how?

when what's real really isn't

I asked for assurance, wholeheartedly trusted, sadly all I got was disappointment. it took a long time before i figured it out that i was lied to. Of course, when we are in love we dont question things, we just accept. and i do plead guilty to that. but now that i'm in a different state of mind (still sane i hope), i finally put the pices of the puzzle together and saw that the puzzle didnt look at all like the picture that i had in mind. the picture that was painted for me by someone i had trusted with all my heart. The picture i just saw was the ugliest ive ever seen, yet i feelings i had at that moment was uglier, as i realized that i was stupid enough to believe everything.

Yes, it hurts. not becasue i havent moved on, but it is that reason itself that i feel like s*!^. I recovered based on what i knew, and accepted things for what they were. I've learned to forgive; sadly, i never forget. It really is such a small world for our lies to survive. eventually, the truth will come out and kick you in the forehead. In my case, it took half a year. Not bad. I actually held this person in higher regard for telling me the "truth". But after uncovering all these things, i realized that that was the coldest lie ever said to me. it was then that i had to realize the hard way that the nicest person is the most heartless liar.

why we never learn

Most of us know George Santayana's famous phrase "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.". But most of us don't really bother to think about it. They say history is just glotifying the past, th heroes, those who sacrificed their lives. But history is more than just remembering the things past. For me, history provides us with information on what happened to society at that particular place at that particular time. It provides us with variables that we can use to analyze the present and see what may happen in the future. Yes, there is no constant formula. Each event is different. The circumstances may be different now and what happened 3 decades ago, so why use the past as an example? one may argue that.

History is not to be merely read. It must be analyzed. One cannot just read through history and say "oh, thats what happened. well, things are different now. why bother?!" It is not about what happened or where and when it happened. History, as fact-filled as it is, is about WHY it happened and HOW it was dealt with. Its about realizing how we reached from point A to point B, and based on that analogy, what could point C be like? Its about filling the spaces between the events, finding the causes, the effects.

Most people hate history. They claim irrelevance. But what happened to our country 20 years ago affected our lives just as much as what happened to one individual when he/she was first beat up by his/her father. We ourselves look back at our own past and try to learn from it. At least, some of use do. I agree with Sigmund Freud with his words: "Only a good-for-nothing is not interested in his past." without one's past, we will not understand why we are like this now. Even worse, we wont have a single clue as to who we will be in the future.

Its just the same as studying our own history. If we don't try to learn from it, we won't progress into what we all want to be. For some people, history is boring. in all history classes worldwide, im willing to bet that 1/3 of the students sleep through their history classes. the other 1/3 are gazing out the windows and thinking about lunch, or their girlfriends, or what mall to go to after class. Only one-thirds of that class will listen and understand this. maybe some of them are young enough to realize that their understandnig of history will be important to their futures. Some of them are old enough to know this, and will try to change the way things are. Some may use that for other reasons that will benefit them (sorry, i just cant resist saying something about TraPos ). And some will remain hopeful that maybe history will unfold into something better. One could only hope that those who are ignorant to this would realize that the collective ignorance of society to history will continue to be detrimental to the development of the state. the scary thing about history, is that history tells us that things that we do cannot be undone. whatever we decide to do is final. Final.


"What experience and history teach is this-that people and governments never have learned anything from history, or acted on principles deduced from it." G. W. F. Hegel

apology

to the non-filipino speaking readers, i would like to apologize..i sometimes write in filipino because i am talking about philippine socio-political affairs, rather, the negative aspects of my country's socio-political affairs. and as much as i hate whats happening to my country, i love it too much for other people to read it and not really understand it and think that i am lambasting my country or something like that.. i write in filipino so my fellow filipinos can realate to this. but as much as i want more people to read this, i cannot afford to let foreigners read this. (as a citizen of my country, i must promote it..). i apologize for this. im not letting you out of this becasue of selfish, racist reasons. i merealy am protecting my country. (hmm..i sound soo nationalistic..i should recieve an award!!) but to those filipinos who read my blog, i encourage you to think, and try to realize where we are now, and where we are going. it wont make much of a difference, but who knows :)

ang paborito kong sipsip

i just love reading the newspapers... its primary use is to inform people, but for me ,sometimes even the main section is entertaining. again, i saw another article on my favorite suck up in the government. i wont say who he is, but he's a controversial member of the cabinet. he got into big trouble when calamities truck the south of our country a few years ago and he was head of the agency responsible for monitoring that field..but after a lot of pa-cute, and sucking up, he's in a pretty good position in the palace, good enough and close enough to the president to kiss her a&$. how he ever got that position, i'll never know..but i have some flies in the walls of the palace who can actually talk(pretty credible flies they are too), and they told me stuff about this person and since then, i could never ever think of him in a straight face. well anyway, here's what i read in the article... isang taon ang nakaraan pagkatapos natin mapanood ang "i am sorry" speech ng pangulo, lumantad ang paborito kong sipsip at sinabi nya sa press na hindi yun dapat ginawa ng pangulo. na kesyo nagkaaway-away pa daw sa cabinete nun at isa daw siya sa nanindigan laban sa gusto ng Hyatt 10 na mag-apologize ang pangulo. blah blah blah (un ang datin sakin ng sinasabi nya:blah blah blah)

sana hindi nya na lang sinabi yun. oo na, andun na tayo at nagpapa-good shot siya sa kung sino man. oo na, now that there's a new impeachment complaint filed, balik nanaman tayo sa patintero at kampihan..pero hindi maganda ang impresyon na binigigay nya eh. oo, gaganda image nya (pero kahit anong pilit nya di pa din siya gwapo) , pero masisira naman yung sa gabinete..normal lang na may hindi pagkakaisa sa isang grupo, pero sana kung magtatalo sila, yng makabuluhan naman. ang nakikita tuloy ng tao, yung politikahan lang. nararamdaman tuloy ng tao na hindi sila seryoso sa pagpapaunlad ng bansa, na gawin kung ano ang totoo nilang trabaho. alam ko na may pulitikahan talaga sa gobyerno, hindi na maiaalis yan..pero wala namang masama sa pag-aasang sana naman, magsawa na sila. dahil kahit sino pa ang iupo mo sa pagkapangulo, kung ang mga nakapaligid ay ganyan pa din, wala ring mangyayari.

impeachment (again?!?!)

i read in the frontpage of one of our local broadsheets that yes, there is another impeachment complaint filed. theres nothing new to this. we elect someone we will eventually kick out. thats part of modern philippine politics (sad thing, really). pero natawa ako sa list ng ilan sa mga charges against PGMA:

* cheating in the May 2006 elections
* using illegal money in presidential campaign
* condoning political killings and human rights abuses

im not pro-admin or pro-opposition, pero anak ng parents naman eh..

SINO BANG HINDI NANDADAYA SA ELECTION?!?

SA TINGIN NYO BA SAPAT NA ANG ALLOWED ELECTION FUNDS
PARA MALAGAYAN AT MAUTO ANG BAWAT PILIPINO?!?

NGAYON LANG BA NARINIG ANG ABUSO AT PAGPAPAPATAY ALANG-ALANG SA POLITIKAL NA AMBISYON?!?

hay naku! nakaka-highblood ito..

kung yan ang gagamitin nyong accusation, eh di guilty na halos lahat ng pulitiko... politics will not be politics without corruption. political killings have been happening since bago pa dumating ang mga banyaga at naka-bahag pa mga ninuno natin..

whats new?

dapat manhid na ako eh..kasi lagi na lang ito nagnyayari diba..

pero parang im at this point na ganito na lang ba tayo lagi? when will we ever tire of repeateing our blunders?!?

nakakinis..kakain na lang muna ako...

haay naku

okay, so ive had this really sad experience a few months ago..and just this moment, i saw one of its after-effects.. ggrrrrr!!! i sooo wanted to strangle someone..then i took a deep deep breath..counted to ten, closed my eyes and said to myself: "lecheng yan, pangit naman sha!" a few friends who i was chatting with gave me words of comfort.. it worked, as it made me realize that i shouldnt really be affected anymore. i guess after what happened, trusting doesnt come that easy.

dont worry, i wont be pessimistic about it!! i even told a friend of mine na balang araw, makakahanap din ako ng katapat ko..someone who will prove that i can be happy again, that i wont have to be scared of anything..

hhmmm...kelan kaya?! sana pwede pa ako magka-anak sa panahong iyon...

something new that i heart

for the past month or two, ive been spending my weekends with this group. its pretty funny, as most of them have been friends of mine since childhood (my cousin included). some of them are new faces. most of the people who know me know that i've recently been through something that really broke my heart (as in nadurog na nasagasaan at ginawang barbeque) and it took a while (and a whole lot of encouragement) for me to start appreciating the sunrise. this group was one of the reasons why it was easier for me to move on. aside from the weekends spent getting drunk on coffee or tequila and beer, and the weekdays texting, the weeknights and wee hours of morning online really helped. its a pretty diverse group of different backgrounds, cultures (japanese, chinese, filipino, spanish, canadian mixes) and sexual preferences (yahooo!!!). and it makes things intersting. in spite of the differences, we all manage to have fun and talk about a lot (as in a lot) of things. they kept my mind off things until it came to the point that it was completely off my mind. the funny thing was, they were all aware of what i went through, there were hardly any heart to heart talks, but their company actually made me come to terms with things and appreciate things for what they are. now, i can say that ive recovered. these guys dont check this page, so they wont get to rad this mushy post. but im thankful that ive got these people with me now. mainly because my life would be boring without them, but also because i learn new things with them everytime i hang out with them. small talk, political or philosophical talk, or even playing around have made me realize a lot of things of which i am thankful for.

***i do hope they wont read this..they'll surely make fun of me***

on my posts, friendster blog, advice to readers, and my thing sublime

i just viewed my posts and realized that i've been soo negative about things. its funny, becasue if you knew me personally, you'd doubt if these posts are actually stuff that i thought of. maybe im posting it here because i dont get to talk about things like these to the people im with. hmm..my blog is my shrink (no offense meant to psychiatrists/psychologists)

I've always thought of myself as an optimistic person. i'd say the glass is half-full not half-empty (though when im feeling a bit feisty, i'd say its half-way hehe). and when things get bad, im the first one to make others realize the good things that are still there, or the positive things/thoughts that can be learned/acquired in that particular experience. im the one who would say something weird to the point of being funny. i would give a few punchlines. i'd do something funny to lighten up the mood of people. and it is quite odd that my posts are this negative.

i recently activated my friendster blog. so far, most of what ive posted are movie reviews. i cant seem to post anything personal, or deep there. its as if people would just think im weird or gone crazy or got hooked to drugs. only the persons patient (or bored) enough are those who get to see this blog. to read these thoughts i wouldnt normally tell them while were having coffee or downing tequila. the first few posts have been written when i kept this blog anonymous. at first i didnt want people who knew me to find out about this blog. i thought, its okay to post whatever things that breezed through my mind, and even if those people judged me on the basis of these posts, it didnt matter. because they have no connection to me. so, it wouldnt affect me as much. but then i realized something. maybe its okay that people who know me read these things. its not that i dont care about what they'll think of me. i think what motivated me was the fact that people boxed me in this stereotype based on my line of work. people think that im fickle-minded person. some people even thought that all i cared about was make-up and clothes, and shopping and dieting. oh, and yeah, how could i forget?! boys!! there are times when i'd be in a crowd and we'd talk about something political or philisophical, theyd be genuinely surprised about what i would say. a lot of people "didnt think i was capable of knowing" things. at first i liked it. better underestimated than the contrary...even until now, i like the idea that people think i dont really use my brain. i find it very amusing when i see the looks on their faces when they find out that i do know the difference between GDP and GNP. sometimes, even friends of mine dont even know that i read a lot, or what i read for that matter. and i would like to see how they'd think of me, after reading whatever (crazy) thoughts i put here. only a few people actually know some of the things i put here. and i wouldnt expect a lot to fully understand why i think this way, and i wouldnt be surprised if people get all judgemental on me. i really dont mind. its not my loss to be judged by people who think they know me. Because to this day, no one, not even anyone in my family, can say that they truly know me. My testimonials in my friendster account might give partial descriptions (mostly good things), but that doesnt encapsulate my persona.

maybe by opening up to this, i might find out something new about my friends too. maybe after this, we'll realize that theres more to share. maybe i'll lose some people. maybe i'll get to know more people. but let me just tell you this. the thoughts put into words here were written at a particular point in time in a particular state of mind. these ideas may change in the next few years, months, or even the next hour. (in which i will either delete the post or publish a retraction.) do not try to describe me as this type based on what youve seen so far. these are random ramblings that come with the journey to some place and time sublime. maybe i'll laugh at my own thoughts, maybe i'd be ashamed of what i've published, or smile at them. either way, these small bits of thoughts will eventually form into something that will make me "whole". something that will, in all finality, make me who i really am. then i will be judged. But not by you. as of now, i'll keep on looking for that thing sublime. :)

an intro to death and nothingness

Have you ever really thought about what will happen when you die?
I mean, after taking your last breath, would your vision darken? Would you see a light at one point in the dark and will you follow it? Or would you just suddenly feel like you’re being burned alive?

Would you suddenly see everything on this planet but no one will see you? Will you get stuck on the abyss called purgatory and wait for your loved one’s prayers so you can reach heaven?

And if you do get to heaven, what will you do there? If its hell, will you get to see adolf Hitler?

What is heaven? Isn’t heaven relative to the person’s ideals? I mean.. can I drink my kurant seven there? Isn’t hell relative too? I mean if hell is full of evil things, can I get cigarettes there? Or is hell just the absence of heaven, just as darkness is the absence of light.. its simply not there..

Or maybe that’s how we are. The second our heart ceases to beat, we just.. cease to exist. Maybe we wont be able to see, feel, hear or smell anything. Maybe we cant even think anymore.. after all, our brain is dead. Is our soul capable of thought? Is there such thing as a soul?

Maybe, when we die, we just die. We become nothing. We cease to be.

Is it even possible to imagine how it is to be nothing?

odd...

this is odd..everytime i feel like updating my blog, something happens and i end up unable to post. sometimes, my browser won't work, and i cant open the page. sometimes, i spend soo much time and effort typing, then i get disconected, or my PC hangs, and i lose whatever it is i've written. so what i did, was i typed my post on microsoft word then saved it, something that would be fail-proof. but lo and behold, when i opened the file, it was blank. i was like, WTF!!! i thought it was safe, but i lost the material.

maybe im not meant to do this blog thing. heck, im not even used to writing stuff like this because i have never kept a journal in my life! well, there have been a few attempts, but they were unsuccessful.. i just hope that after i type all of this, i would be able to post this. because its sooo frustrating when youve got everything ready then all of a sudden, my screen goes blank. and all of the thoughts and feelings i put into words are wasted. my ideas arent really of national importance or anything, but it feels good to let it out.

if this post isnt published, i will curse blogging for eternity!!!

things are better here

i dont even remember when i took this picture.. but i was somewhere out of town, in this really cold, deserted, insect-infested place, it was really really late, and i wasnt doing anything remotely relevant to the development of society, and all i had to cheer myself up was my cigarrettes, so i took a moment, took a little walk, and tried looking at where i came from..

it didnt look so bad..

and it wasnt just that place..

i thought of myself too..

lost

This is a moment of weakness.. Its like, you know whats happening..but you're not really into the moment..

denial? maybe..

or maybe..its finally when everything sinks in..and youve realized that nothing is how you expected it to be..

in times like these, denial would be better..

of course, all of my friends come to the rescue and give me all sorts of advice, invites to boxing classes, and sweets to make me feel better.. but none of them worked..

not even absolut..

but getting drunk, meeting with friends and trying to smile wont make a difference because when i get home, and all i have is myself and my bed.. and when sleep runs from me.. all the forced smiles and unsincere promises to move on sudddenly turn to dust..

even my ability to rationalize is suddenly handicapped..

I want to get away from this sadness..from everything..but then again, if i let go of this, i let go of everything.. and thats something im not sure im willing to do.. so now im at this point where i know i should let go, but i feel that i should stay and not lose this.. and never have i been so lost..

"And we're all so strong when nothing's wrongAnd the world is at our feetBut how small we are when our love is far awayAnd all you need is you"--20,000 seconds; k's choice