on my posts, friendster blog, advice to readers, and my thing sublime

i just viewed my posts and realized that i've been soo negative about things. its funny, becasue if you knew me personally, you'd doubt if these posts are actually stuff that i thought of. maybe im posting it here because i dont get to talk about things like these to the people im with. hmm..my blog is my shrink (no offense meant to psychiatrists/psychologists)

I've always thought of myself as an optimistic person. i'd say the glass is half-full not half-empty (though when im feeling a bit feisty, i'd say its half-way hehe). and when things get bad, im the first one to make others realize the good things that are still there, or the positive things/thoughts that can be learned/acquired in that particular experience. im the one who would say something weird to the point of being funny. i would give a few punchlines. i'd do something funny to lighten up the mood of people. and it is quite odd that my posts are this negative.

i recently activated my friendster blog. so far, most of what ive posted are movie reviews. i cant seem to post anything personal, or deep there. its as if people would just think im weird or gone crazy or got hooked to drugs. only the persons patient (or bored) enough are those who get to see this blog. to read these thoughts i wouldnt normally tell them while were having coffee or downing tequila. the first few posts have been written when i kept this blog anonymous. at first i didnt want people who knew me to find out about this blog. i thought, its okay to post whatever things that breezed through my mind, and even if those people judged me on the basis of these posts, it didnt matter. because they have no connection to me. so, it wouldnt affect me as much. but then i realized something. maybe its okay that people who know me read these things. its not that i dont care about what they'll think of me. i think what motivated me was the fact that people boxed me in this stereotype based on my line of work. people think that im fickle-minded person. some people even thought that all i cared about was make-up and clothes, and shopping and dieting. oh, and yeah, how could i forget?! boys!! there are times when i'd be in a crowd and we'd talk about something political or philisophical, theyd be genuinely surprised about what i would say. a lot of people "didnt think i was capable of knowing" things. at first i liked it. better underestimated than the contrary...even until now, i like the idea that people think i dont really use my brain. i find it very amusing when i see the looks on their faces when they find out that i do know the difference between GDP and GNP. sometimes, even friends of mine dont even know that i read a lot, or what i read for that matter. and i would like to see how they'd think of me, after reading whatever (crazy) thoughts i put here. only a few people actually know some of the things i put here. and i wouldnt expect a lot to fully understand why i think this way, and i wouldnt be surprised if people get all judgemental on me. i really dont mind. its not my loss to be judged by people who think they know me. Because to this day, no one, not even anyone in my family, can say that they truly know me. My testimonials in my friendster account might give partial descriptions (mostly good things), but that doesnt encapsulate my persona.

maybe by opening up to this, i might find out something new about my friends too. maybe after this, we'll realize that theres more to share. maybe i'll lose some people. maybe i'll get to know more people. but let me just tell you this. the thoughts put into words here were written at a particular point in time in a particular state of mind. these ideas may change in the next few years, months, or even the next hour. (in which i will either delete the post or publish a retraction.) do not try to describe me as this type based on what youve seen so far. these are random ramblings that come with the journey to some place and time sublime. maybe i'll laugh at my own thoughts, maybe i'd be ashamed of what i've published, or smile at them. either way, these small bits of thoughts will eventually form into something that will make me "whole". something that will, in all finality, make me who i really am. then i will be judged. But not by you. as of now, i'll keep on looking for that thing sublime. :)